Oatmeal, popcorn , crackers

Meh. Aside from two SoCal trips, break has been boring. That's neither a complaint nor a praise. It's just... meh.

I don't think I've ever felt more apathetic than I do right now. Nothing seems to give me any emotion, whether it be pleasure or pain, gladness or grief. Maybe it has a lot to do with the inactivity surrounding me. There's just not much to do around the house, aside from chores, surfing the web, and watching TV, all of which I've done, all of which I find empty. The occasional Spurs game usually entertains me, but there are hardly any games this week. Even when I try to be productive, nothing happens. I look for summer research programs, but it seems like at every program people want letters of recommendations, of which I can't procure right now. I try to buy books for next semester, but I still don't know what classes I'm gonna be in next semester because of waitlists, on which I haven't moved up in position since two weeks. Meh.

This happens in quiet times, too, a majority of the time. God used the evil deeds of Joseph's brothers for good. Meh. God wrestles with Jacob. Meh. God reavels himself to Abraham through a burning bush. Meh. I certainly don't think it's right to feel this way But the strangest thing of all is that I don't even feel despair, just meh.

Heck, even the SoCal trips, as fun as they were, didn't really bring me any sense of fulfillment. To be honest, Disneyland was just meh, and although seeing friends was cool, it just didn't feel right for some reason. Meh.

Honestly, I don't think anything can shake me out of this state right now. If I were to die right now...meh. If I were to suddenly inherit millions of dollars...meh.
I think the worst part of all is, the world, that is, my family, high school friends--even my own brothers and sisters--expect me to put on this facade of emotion that I don't have. I don't think I've genuinely smiled for a month now, though I've been wearing that fake smile, whether in text or in person, like an idiot all this while. :) Meh.

Maybe a lot of this apathy has been caused by all the time I spend to myself--for six days out of the week, I'm by the computer doing nothing of value. I try to work out, play guitar, or do something academic, but it just doesn't feel right without other people. Meh.

I wonder if any of God's people ever felt this way.

Hey, God, if You're up there--no, if You're in my heart, snap me out of it. Stir up SOMETHING in me. But you know, if you don't feel like it, whatever, it's all right. Meh.